Writers Block and a Good Story

I’ve been having a serious writers block lately! You know, the one where you have this HUGE GIGANTIC story to tell, or writing to get done, and then your fingers hit the keyboard and nothing. So disappointing. Time and time again for the past two weeks it’s happened. I’ve tried to switch it up a bit but nothing. You see, I write my posts somewhere between 3:30-7 a.m. The house is quiet. Nothing is stirring. I can sit and pray over the post. I can have my coffee and bible out. I can just be with me. Be with my thoughts and prayers and ideas of what I want to accomplish with a said post. But lately I sit, and sit, and sit some more and nothing comes. It’s frustrating! So frustrating!

So, here I sit on yet another morning, same as the last it feels, and it’s 3:30a.m. I have my coffee, which is smooth and delicious by the way, and my bible open to Psalm 50:15. This is what I want to say:

I struggle. Everyday I struggle. I struggle with self confidence. I struggle with past pain. I struggle with not being good enough. I struggle with addiction. I surrender everyday to God. I have to. I once thought, ” i surrendered it, why isn’t it going away?” You have to sometimes surrender it daily, for a week, maybe a month, and sometimes even years, before you see the fruit of that prayer! I have been there. I have struggled with abuse from my past going on 20+ years. I pray it away but it still affects some aspects of my life. It’s hard to overcome. It’s a mountain in my life. One I know I can’t and won’t overcome on my own. Jesus said he gave us the power to cast mountains into the sea and sometimes I have to do that every single day. Sometimes it’s all I can do to pray “God strengthen me for this day, to do your will, to be your hands and feet, and to somehow in the end GLORIFY you.”

I have had seasons in my life that were a train wreck. Finances amiss, relationships on the rocks, stillness from God no matter how much I seek his face and pray. I’ve also come to learn over the years of walking with Jesus that as much as He tries to shield us from all the bad sometimes it gets in. And other times we invite it in without even knowing. But I do know also, that there are a few things I can do to bring comfort to me. One is pray. Praying not only for myself but for others. Really lifting others up. It’s one way that brings me peace in a situation. It takes the focus off of “poor me” and puts it on God and others. Another way is digging in to scripture and learning from it. God didn’t put his breath to the Word for us not to be learning and living what he says. I’ve learned that when I’m having an issue I go to scripture and find what it says about that issue. Psalms has 150 chapters of struggling and overcoming! I’m sure we can all find something to relate just in that one book of the bible alone.

My life is not my own anymore. Not since I surrendered it at the foot of the cross to Jesus. No matter how much I believe, this life will always throw me curve balls. Always try to get the upper hand over me. Keep me in my struggles, keep me reliving the pain. Keep my battling addiction. But I’m here to tell you that I HAVE HOPE! Hope in a risen savior. Hope in his word. Hope in his presence. I don’t have to sit still and do nothing. I can rise up and overcome, because I know the one who overcame it all.

I leave you with this scripture:
Psalms 50:15 & 51:1-4
and call on me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you and you will honor me.

Have mercy on me, Oh God, according to you unfailing love; according to your great compassion,blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned; and done evil in your sight….

Blessings,
Tiffany

It’s Been Too Long

Hi everyone! It’s me here, Tiffany! You’ve probably long forgot that I even have a blog 🙂 That’s ok, I forgot for a long time that I had a blog too. Not really but my mind wasn’t well enough to write.

You see, after I had Pippy, I thought the hard part of having a stroke was over. I had really recovered well from it. No physical side effects what so ever. That to me was the hardest battle of having a stroke and to many people, that’s what they think too. I’m here to tell you it is not, unfortunately.

Most people think a stroke victims major recovery is the physical, and with some strokes I suppose that’s correct. With me, and a lot of other “mild” victims it’s the mental part that gets you. For me that has been the hardest part of recovery. And I’m still not there.

After Pippy was born and after a few days my physical side effects went away. I had my strength back, could walk and talk normal, and seemed to be a miracle to many people. What you couldn’t see is the turmoil I had inside. The part of the stroke that no one can see. I felt like I couldn’t capture my thoughts and verbalize them. I would get tangled with my words. I felt sometimes, and still do, as if all these thoughts and things I want to say are there but they won’t come out! It’s frustrating.

Then comes the depression. Oh, the depression has been rough. At first I thought I was just dealing with the baby blues that has accompanied many of my births. No, this went way deeper, and has lasted much longer. I almost feel robbed of my babies infant-hood if you will from the severe depression I was in which was a side effect from the stroke.

I want you to know, It’s not just the physical, the mental part of recovery is way harder. I went to the doctor time and time again seeking help. I needed to feel better. To feel in control. It wasn’t until I really grasped that the issues I was having weren’t going to go away. That what I was dealing with,This monster of depression, was the new me, that I started to feel better. And let me be honest, that just happened recently. Thirteen months I’ve been in this pit. It’s enough to drive a saint insane. I just kept pushing on, trying my hardest to live and thrive but surviving the day was more what I was doing.

My husband, God love him he’s the best, prayed, and stayed right by me, encouraging me, lifting me up, picking up the slack. I don’t know that I could’ve gotten through all this with out him. He has been my rock and my stablizer. He has went through many of dark days on my behalf and still faces the next with a smile. He loves me. That’s really all I can say. When I wanted to give up, throw in the towel, he was right there to lift me up, and carry me on. I love him so much and am so thankful for his spirit, determination to get me better, and guiding prayers through this journey.

I’m hoping to be writing here more often. It’s a release for me. I enjoy it. And it’s a place where I can be me. The new me, post stroke, fleeting thoughts, stumbling sentences(I’ll auto correct them for you all though) and all.

If you’re still around and reading, I thank you. Here’s to a new start!

Blessings,
Tiffany

My Convictions aren’t Your Convictions

Let me start by saying that what works for our family, what we deem appropriate for our family may or may not be something you’d do or instill in your family. That doesn’t make either one of us right or wrong. It just makes us different and that’s ok.

Telling the truth, Gods truth, the truth we know without a shadow of a doubt, is hard. It goes against everything the WORLD is screaming at you. It’s a struggle everyday not to fall into the temptation the world throws at you. We face it. We deal with it head on. We make hard choices. That’s what we, as a family, feel we are called to do. We feel we are called to raise up our children against the grain. Against what schools says is ok. Against what teens say is ok. Against what Hollywood says is ok. It’s something we’ve been convicted over time and time again. It’s hard though. It’s a battle everyday to let that one little thing slide….. Like wearing immodest clothes, or listening to what I call crap music. But it’s a battle we must face head on.

We do things different around here. We don’t do cell phones, even for the 15 year old. We don’t do internet access. We don’t do short shorts. We don’t do a lot of tv including such as Disney Channel. YES I know, it’s for kids. But the content of the shows don’t line up with the values we try to teach them. We don’t do public school. We don’t let our kids stay the night places. There’s a lot we don’t do. We do talk with our kids about the whys and what are reasoning is. We do pray with them about things that we don’t agree on. We do try to teach them that it’s ok to be different. It’s ok to stand up for what you believe in, IF you’re doing it in love. It’s ok to be the only one who feels a certain way. If God lays something on your heart it’s ok to stand by that!

Recently we had a falling out of sorts with some family. I feel that it’s just another way the enemy uses us and each other to try to step away from the truth we have known to be. Our family, extended family, doesn’t agree with some of the decisions we’ve made for our family. That’s ok! No really it is. I know what God has placed in our hearts. I know how God wants us to raise our family and nothing anyone can say or do is going to change that. I have to answer to HIM and only HIM when this life is all but gone. What we feel is appropriate decisions for our family is NOT the popular one by any means. It never is! But we try to convey our convictions is love. We don’t judge you for your convictions or decisions. We are all different. We’ve all been called to do something different. That doesn’t mean we condemn you because our calling is not the same. That also doesn’t mean we have to agree with it. We have to do what WE feel is best within our four walls in our home. IT’S OK!!!!!!! My convictions aren’t your convictions! I know that. I’m ok with that.

So stand your ground saints and do what God has called you to do. Speak the truth in love and stand by what God has placed in your heart. Don’t let the enemy take away even for a second the truth God has placed in you. Stand firm in your faith. Don’t waiver. For the riches in heaven are more than anything this world will ever have to offer you.

BLESSINGS,
TIffany

TITUS 2 TUESDAYS

It’s time to say Hi again

Well, HELLO all of you! I’m back! It’s been a really crazy few months. Actually, it’s been a down and out few months. I’ve been sick with pregnancy and my struggles took a hold of me for longer than I’d care to admit. All is good, God is faithful, my husband is wonderful and my children have all survived!

I lost hope somewhere in January. My life seemed to spiral out of control and somehow my faith let it. I have spent the past few months watching from the outside as my life just seemed to go on. No real interest, or joy in anything I’ve done. I cried out to The Lord on many occasions and HE finally said enough and pulled me from my pit! His loving hand reached down and swooped me up like a mother does her child. I love him so much for his faithfulness, even when mine is almost extinct. He’s reminded me through this journey that HE is LORD of all and HE holds me in his hand. It’s so good to feel alive again. Thank you to all who prayed for me for God heard your prayers! Keep praying the road is narrow and I need all the help I can get.

On another note, the kids are still happy and healthy. Wild Bills diabetes are getting the best of her right now as she’s going through a growth spurt and puberty! AHH, the joys of puberty;) Dexter is excelling and singing regularly in church. She participated in our church’s rendition of Americas Got Talent and won! So proud of her. Magic Bean and Princess are both well and thriving in there school work. And, the DUDE, well, he’s the Dude. Happy and always willing to make someone laugh. I just love that boy!

The pregnancy is progressing well. I had a little scare last week when I went in for a routine checkup. They couldn’t find a heartbeat! Talk about the scariest day of my life! The ultrasound tech was not in so I was sent home with instructions to come back the next morning. THE LONGEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!!! I cried, and begged, and pleaded, and prayed for God to save my child! He answered and in the morning when it was time for the ultrasound all is well. Little baby was just hiding! I will leave you with a picture of the ultrasound and this……..

IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

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Blessings,
Tiffany

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This is Me

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, the only comfort I have is writing. Getting it out. Letting it go. This is me. I struggle. I hurt. I’m alone.

If you look from the outside, I’m the happy mother of 5 children. I homeschool. I homemake. I take my kids with me everywhere. I’m what you imagine a Super Mom to look like. But image is nothing. Take a deeper look. You’ll see my struggles. My fears. My failures.

A typical day in my house for me starts at 2 a.m. YES, I said 2! I get up because I can’t sleep. I sit and message with my mom for an hour our so. She has a crazy sleep schedule too and leaves for work at 4 am so she’s up anyways. Then by 4:15-4:30 ish I start making my husband his lunch and his breakfast. Somewhere between 5 and 6 I head back to bed for a few hours. The two smallest kids, Princess and the Dude, usually wake around 8ish or so. They come in, ask to play on the kindles and in my sleepy state I always agree. I get up for the day around 9:30-10. Usually my oldest, Dexter, comes in starting at 9 to try to wake me. I fight it until 10 am…..

By the time I get up the kids have been alone on kindles or watching sprout for an hour to two! They’ve fed themselves breakfast and made momma some coffee. I get up and head to the kitchen for my coffee and a cigarette. Yep, I’m a smoker. Have been for a LONG time. Too long actually. I usually direct them to get there breakfast mess cleaned up and have them get dressed. We/I try to get school work going by 11 or so. All the while sitting at the kitchen table. It’s my home, the table. I’m there most of the day. It’s here I write. I email. I look at pinterest for WAY to long. Here is where I momma at for most of the day.

Our school day usually wraps up within a couple of hours. Then it’s lunch. Does momma fix lunch? NOPE! Kids do that too. Then it’s chores! YEP! Kids do those too. I’m headed for the couch by 1p.m. for a nap. The broken sleep gives me about 4 hours of energy before I crash again. Depending on the schedule I take a 1-3 hour nap. Yes, again, I said 1-3 hours! They kids are free to play kindles or watch an approved movie in that time frame, finish work that needs done, or just play.

I get up and go back to the table! It’s my home remember. I have so more coffee, all decaf of course, I’m pregnant remember. I’m worried about the coffee I drink but I poison my body, and my baby with cigarette smoke! What is wrong with me! My addiction is my life. It’s a struggle every single day. It’s where so much of my pain stems from, yet, I can’t let it go! It’s my comfort. It’s the thing I can control. It’s who I am. I have defined myself as that for so many years! Sad, I know but it is. Remember, this is me.

I sit and around 3:30 my brothers girls start showing up. One at 3:30 and the other 2 at 4. I watch them after school most days but they usually get picked up right after 4. Unless mom has a late appointment which I don’t mind.. I love those girls like my own! After they leave for the night, I have the kids do a quick tidy up and try to help around the house a bit. Dad usually texts somewhere between 5-6 “on way”. We do a mad scramble to make sure the house is tidy and I try to figure out dinner. I do a menu every week but some days I forget to pull stuff out or I just don’t feel like cooking. Cooking has been a real struggle as of late.

We somehow get everyone fed and dinner chores started around 7. Dad and I go to the couch or to the room to do our devotional. After, it’s shower, pj time and we sit and watch tv. I’m completely exhausted from doing nothing really by 9 pm. The kids go to bed and dad tucks them in and prays with them. I head to bed some time around 10. Then it’s time to start all over again at 2a.m.

That’s my day. A day where looking from the outside you’d think I have it all together! WRONG! I’m not even close to having it together. I sit, and ponder,cry and pray…… God make it better. Take the chains of bondage. Help me to surrender it all to you. Make me clean. I’m waiting still. And still praying. I know that I know that my God can and will deliver me from the pit I’ve gotten myself in to. It’s just a waiting game. Waiting for His timing. Waiting on Him. The ALMIGHTY to say ok my child, you’ve suffered enough.

I’ve done what I can do. My earthly flesh is no where near strong enough to break the chains. It’s Him and only him that can do it. So I sit and pray and write and release. It’s all I can do.

I’m not the super mom you’d expect. I’m a real woman with real issues. A woman with pain and hurt. A woman trying to do what’s best but failing dramatically. A woman who struggles day to day. A woman who tries to be real here and with everyone around me. A woman who gets a whole lot of nothing accomplished on most days. If it wasn’t for the kids, the house would be a train wreck. A woman who is alone and calling for help. A woman who struggles.

I’m going to end this post by saying please, don’t leave negative feedback or comments. I know how bad and how easy it is to judge. We all do it. But at this time, prayer is what I need. Pray for me would you?

Blessings,
TIffany

New Years Resolution: You are Here

Jeremiah 29 :11 tells is for I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

You’ve made your New Years Resolutions by now I’m sure, or at least you been thinking about them for a while now. What you’d like to change, what you’d like to accomplish, what you’d like to do with your new year. I haven’t made any resolutions. I’m resolved not to. It’s not that I don’t think they are good to have, I just have never once in all my life completed one so what’s the point.

I want to live in the HERE! Right HERE! Right where I am. Right where God has placed me. I’m all for change, but sometimes, change isn’t in the plan. Sometimes God wants us to stay put right where we are. Whether it’s in our job, our home, in our finances, in our relationships, in our church. Sometimes HERE is where we are supposed to be.

Where is your HERE? At a job you seem to hate but it brings home a paycheck so you stay? Maybe, just maybe God put you there to show others the love of Jesus. Maybe that’s exactly where He wants you. Maybe for the now, that’s your HERE. Maybe it’s without a job. Relying on unemployment or some other means to sustain you financially. Maybe God is teaching you to trust Him in all things in your HERE. Maybe your in relationship ruin with friends and family. Maybe God is teaching you how He can restore your relationships. Your HERE is leaning on Jesus to comfort your hurt and the hurt you’ve caused.

I’ve been in your HERE. I’m struggling with some of the HEREs right now. I’m not dwelling on them though. I’m merely living through them with you. I’m relying on Gods word to strengthen me and teach me. Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. Proverbs 27:1. I can do all the resoluting I want but if God wants me in my HERE that’s where I’m going to stay. I’m not suggesting NOT planning for the future, or not trying to make changes in your life. I’m simply stating that if it’s in Gods will for you to be in your HERE, embrace it. Look at it as a blessing. Look at it as a way for God to help you prosper. For God to give you your hope and future.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21

I’m looking into 2013 with a different view from most. I’m looking at it as if this is where I’m supposed to be. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is where my HERE was meant to be.

So, where is your HERE? Comment and share where God has placed you. Where God has blessed you. And what God is doing in your HERE!

Blessings,
Tiffany

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You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
Jeremiah 29:13

Seek Him today!!!!!!!!

Linking to :
we are that family
Wordless Wednesday
pinching pennies
raising homemakers
Deep roots at home
our simple farm
frugally sustainable
wednesday in the word
ginger snap crafts
my daily walk in his grace
day to day joys
lindas lunacy
heavenly homemakers
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tackle it tuesday
hearts 4 home thursday
a pinch of joy
organizing junkie
muffin tin monday
raising arrows
mop it up monday
motivate me monday
its so very cheri
mad skill link party
top ten tuesday @ many little blessings
simply better
lil’ luna
made by me wednesday
strut your stuff saturdays

A day at the E.R.

We spent 10 hours in the Riley Childrens Hospital E.R. not too long ago. Wild Bill, who is our type 1 diabetic, went to bed with a small tummy ache. We tend to pass things back and forth and some of the other kids had had a bug so I sent her to bed thinking it was just that, a bug that would pass. The next morning around 4:30 a.m. I’m awaken to the sound of hurling in the living room. I jump out of bed to find Wild Bill with a small trash can getting sick. I helped her the best I could, took her temp, gave her some luke warm water, and tucked her in on the couch. We checked her sugar and it was 430. That’s pretty high so I encouraged her to check ketones in the bathroom. Sure enough she had large ketones. That is not anything new when she’s sick so I adjusted her insulin a bit and sent her back to the couch.

Every time the poor baby drank even a sip she was throwing it right back up. This went on till 9a.m. At this point you could tell she was getting dehydrated, her sugar was now at 495 even with the increase of insulin, and the vomiting wasn’t stopping. I got ahold of her nurse at Riley and asked what next. She informed me that we needed to take her to the E.R. to have her checked out and if nothing else get her some I.V. fluids.

She couldn’t even get up to walk to the van she was so weak. Dexter helped her in the van and we snuggled her with a blanket and a small trash can to hold on to for the ride. She went the longest, 20 minutes, without throwing up in the van, but by the time we arrived she was heaving again. Dad met us at Riley Children’s Hospital and when I got there he picked her up from the van and carried her inside. By the time I made it from the parking garage with the rest of the kiddos to the e.r. room they were already starting I.V.s and trying to figure out what was going on.

After they got the fluids going they started getting ready for blood draws. Her numbers were not good. Her sugar was in the 500’s by now and I watched as my little girl looked to be dying. I can’t even express the fear I had watching her deteriorate so quickly right before my eyes. I only kept praying God you spared her once, please spare her again. I prayed and thanked God for having his hand on her the entire time! They started the insulin drip, which is only administered in the e.r. or in ICU, not long after we arrived. She was right on the verge of ICU but they wanted to see if they could help her in the e.r. first. They did test after test and couldn’t figure out why her sugar had skyrocketed and why she turned so quickly. She continued to vomit for a while until they gave her some anti-nausea meds which worked almost miraculously! I was very glad for that.

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With in a few hours she was starting to feel better and her sugar was coming down. When we investigated further, we realized the port which her insulin goes through(she wears an insulin pump) was bad, thus causing her to not get the proper insulin. That would explain the high sugars but she’s had high sugars before and not gone into Ketoacidosis before.

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She started to watch some videos on the IPAD and laugh a little at her brother and sisters. I was so relieved when she finally asked for something to eat! I knew she was getting better at that point. Her E.R. doctor couldn’t believe it when he came in and she was eating! He had told us that we should prepare for a day or two stay in the ICU because she was so sick and now she was eating McDonalds and watching videos! He honestly couldn’t believe how good she was looking. We spent a few more hours in the e.r. but with her sugar down to 200, her ketones gone, the vomiting stopped, and her demeanor back they said we could go home.

I still have no idea what caused all of this which kind of scared me but I know that my little girls life is in Gods hands and HE controls her future. She spent the rest of the weekend being her regular old self but with a scratchy voice as all the vomiting caused her voice to change. But other than that by Saturday night you couldn’t tell she was ever sick! I thank God for that! I thank God for her! And yes, I thank God for diabetes! You can read our full testimony of her diagnosis and why I thank God for diabetes HERE

I thank God for you too, my readers and family! I love you all so much for this journey we call life is just a little bit better with all of you in it!

Blessings,
Tiffany

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Me and Wild Bill the night of her birthday just 1 week from the E.R. visit!!!!!

Linking to :

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simple lives thursday
transformation thursday