This is Me

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, the only comfort I have is writing. Getting it out. Letting it go. This is me. I struggle. I hurt. I’m alone.

If you look from the outside, I’m the happy mother of 5 children. I homeschool. I homemake. I take my kids with me everywhere. I’m what you imagine a Super Mom to look like. But image is nothing. Take a deeper look. You’ll see my struggles. My fears. My failures.

A typical day in my house for me starts at 2 a.m. YES, I said 2! I get up because I can’t sleep. I sit and message with my mom for an hour our so. She has a crazy sleep schedule too and leaves for work at 4 am so she’s up anyways. Then by 4:15-4:30 ish I start making my husband his lunch and his breakfast. Somewhere between 5 and 6 I head back to bed for a few hours. The two smallest kids, Princess and the Dude, usually wake around 8ish or so. They come in, ask to play on the kindles and in my sleepy state I always agree. I get up for the day around 9:30-10. Usually my oldest, Dexter, comes in starting at 9 to try to wake me. I fight it until 10 am…..

By the time I get up the kids have been alone on kindles or watching sprout for an hour to two! They’ve fed themselves breakfast and made momma some coffee. I get up and head to the kitchen for my coffee and a cigarette. Yep, I’m a smoker. Have been for a LONG time. Too long actually. I usually direct them to get there breakfast mess cleaned up and have them get dressed. We/I try to get school work going by 11 or so. All the while sitting at the kitchen table. It’s my home, the table. I’m there most of the day. It’s here I write. I email. I look at pinterest for WAY to long. Here is where I momma at for most of the day.

Our school day usually wraps up within a couple of hours. Then it’s lunch. Does momma fix lunch? NOPE! Kids do that too. Then it’s chores! YEP! Kids do those too. I’m headed for the couch by 1p.m. for a nap. The broken sleep gives me about 4 hours of energy before I crash again. Depending on the schedule I take a 1-3 hour nap. Yes, again, I said 1-3 hours! They kids are free to play kindles or watch an approved movie in that time frame, finish work that needs done, or just play.

I get up and go back to the table! It’s my home remember. I have so more coffee, all decaf of course, I’m pregnant remember. I’m worried about the coffee I drink but I poison my body, and my baby with cigarette smoke! What is wrong with me! My addiction is my life. It’s a struggle every single day. It’s where so much of my pain stems from, yet, I can’t let it go! It’s my comfort. It’s the thing I can control. It’s who I am. I have defined myself as that for so many years! Sad, I know but it is. Remember, this is me.

I sit and around 3:30 my brothers girls start showing up. One at 3:30 and the other 2 at 4. I watch them after school most days but they usually get picked up right after 4. Unless mom has a late appointment which I don’t mind.. I love those girls like my own! After they leave for the night, I have the kids do a quick tidy up and try to help around the house a bit. Dad usually texts somewhere between 5-6 “on way”. We do a mad scramble to make sure the house is tidy and I try to figure out dinner. I do a menu every week but some days I forget to pull stuff out or I just don’t feel like cooking. Cooking has been a real struggle as of late.

We somehow get everyone fed and dinner chores started around 7. Dad and I go to the couch or to the room to do our devotional. After, it’s shower, pj time and we sit and watch tv. I’m completely exhausted from doing nothing really by 9 pm. The kids go to bed and dad tucks them in and prays with them. I head to bed some time around 10. Then it’s time to start all over again at 2a.m.

That’s my day. A day where looking from the outside you’d think I have it all together! WRONG! I’m not even close to having it together. I sit, and ponder,cry and pray…… God make it better. Take the chains of bondage. Help me to surrender it all to you. Make me clean. I’m waiting still. And still praying. I know that I know that my God can and will deliver me from the pit I’ve gotten myself in to. It’s just a waiting game. Waiting for His timing. Waiting on Him. The ALMIGHTY to say ok my child, you’ve suffered enough.

I’ve done what I can do. My earthly flesh is no where near strong enough to break the chains. It’s Him and only him that can do it. So I sit and pray and write and release. It’s all I can do.

I’m not the super mom you’d expect. I’m a real woman with real issues. A woman with pain and hurt. A woman trying to do what’s best but failing dramatically. A woman who struggles day to day. A woman who tries to be real here and with everyone around me. A woman who gets a whole lot of nothing accomplished on most days. If it wasn’t for the kids, the house would be a train wreck. A woman who is alone and calling for help. A woman who struggles.

I’m going to end this post by saying please, don’t leave negative feedback or comments. I know how bad and how easy it is to judge. We all do it. But at this time, prayer is what I need. Pray for me would you?